KILLER BARBYS    2001, Shriek Show

DIRECTOR: Jess Franco   PRODUCER: Piluca Banquero

STARRING:  Santiago Segura,   Mariangela Giordano,   Aldo Sambrell,    Charlie S. Chaplin,    Silvia Superstar,    Carlos Subterfuge,   Angie Barea,   Billy King,   Pepa Lopez,   Alberto Martinez,   Enrique Lopez Lavigne,   Javier Bonilla.		   

KILLER BARBYS begins one dark night under a full moon, on a spooky manor filled with howling wolves.   A very frightened, bloodied man runs out of the castle and across the grounds, followed by an older, bearded man with a gun.   From the window a withered corpse-like figure watches.   Finally, it seems as if the frightened man is going to get away, until he runs around a tree and is caught by a third man, who slits his throat.   It becomes apparent that the murderer and the bearded man are in cahoots, as the murderer asks the bearded man if he can "take the ear".    Bearded man gives him the okay, and the murderer takes the ear as a gift to his two dwarf (oi!   More dwarves!) assistants.

Meanwhile, the bearded man has gone into the castle and is sitting at the bedside of the corpse-like figure, who is moaning in pain.     Arkan (also known as "the bearded man"), it would seem, is in the service of Countess Olga von Fledermaus, who is the corpse-like figure.   Apparently, Countess von Fledermaus is a Countess Bathory-like figure, who needs the blood of the young to regain her health, youth and beauty.   Arkan tells her that "he" has returned, and will help them.   "He" is apparently Balthazar, the murderer of the first scene who I think is an ancient evil monk.   I'm not entirely sure, though, and this movie isn't really clear about it (or much else.)

In the next scene we see the KILLER BARBIES playing in a club, doing a catchy little number called "Love Killer", while Arkan glares at them from the audience.   After they finish playing, they pack up their van and take off for their next show.  Along the way, the van gets hopelessly stuck in a back road, and help arrives in the form of -- you guessed it -- Arkan, who leads the band back to the spooky manor featured in the opening of the movie.   Singer Flavia, Ratha (who is apparently Flavia's boyfriend) and Mario follow Arkan to the castle, but drummer Billy and his dancer girlfriend Sharon remain behind in the van to, ...uh, "work on their relationship".

In a very odd and interminable scene, Balthazar and his two dwarf "assistants" are watching through the van windows at Billy and Sharon having sex.   Balthazar is getting off on watching the couple, but the dwarves are more intrigued by the barbie dolls hanging from the windows.   So, for some reason known only to the film makers, the dwarves steal the dolls and replace them with an animal skeleton.

Meanwhile, the other band members sense something is wrong almost as soon as they enter the castle.   Things are weird, and their hostess is strangely absent.   Plus, the portrait of Countess von Fledermaus looks strangely familiar to Flavia and Mario -- as that of Olga Luchan, a singer from the golden age of Hollywood!    Things get stranger and stranger, until the BARBIES find themselves embroiled in a life of death battle with the evil Countess/Olga Lucha and her henchmen!

RATING:    

I like KILLER BARBYS, even though the movie itself really kinda stinks.   I mean, the sets are really nice, but the acting is iffy at best, and there is even less character development than in your average "B" movie.   Plus, the plot is so thin it's absolutely anorexic, and it's mostly boring, filled with long drawn-out scenes that serve no apparent purpose and plot points that go nowhere.  

So what is it that saves KILLER BARBYS?   Why, it's the KILLER BARBIES!!   It's hard not to root for singer Silvia Superstar -- she just seems so darn likable!   And the rest of the band just seems to be having SUCH a good time.   In today's world of angst-y pop stars, the KILLER BARBIES are a breath of fresh air!

Flavia takes her top off while the BARBIES are driving to their next gig, and Sharon is chased through the woods wearing only go-go boots.   Also, Olga sheds her clothes and rolls around on the bed with Ratha.   And, for a change, there is a full frontal nude shot of Ratha lying bloody on the bed.   'Course, it would have been better if the shot had been of drummer Billy, but whattaya gonna do?

SCENES THAT MAKE ME GO "HMMM...,":


1. When the KILLER BARBIES finish playing and begin their long drive to the next gig, the girls don't bother to change out of their leather bikinis.   Now this is just my opinion, but riding for hours whilst wearing a leather thong would be painful.

2. When Billy and Sharon discover the skeleton hanging in place of the barbie dolls, all they say is "It's horrible, really ugly."   They don't seem to waste a minute of worry that someone climbed into the van and made the switch while they were doing the nasty!

3. Balthazar and the two dwarves are moving a headless body out of the van, and Balthazar says: "Can't you see she's half dead?"   HALF dead?   It's a friggin' headless corpse, for chrissake!   How much more dead can you get?

4. When Ratha goes off with Countess von Fledermaus, Silvia doesn't seem at all preturbed.   In fact, her comment is, "He should have found some way to include me."

DID YOU KNOW...,:

 -   The KILLER BARBIES are a real life spanish rock band who have toured with THE FOO FIGHTERS, RAMMSTEIN and SONIC YOUTH.   They also performed at New York's CBGB's at Joey Ramone's special request!

 -   The movie's name had to be changed from KILLER BARBIES to KILLER BARBYS due to threat of legal action from Mattel!

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