LASERBLAST   
1978, Media Home Entertainment

DIRECTOR: Michael Rae   PRODUCER: Charles Band

STARRING:  Kim Milford,   Cheryl Smith,    Gianni Russo,    Keenan Wynn,   Dennis Burkley   Eddie Deezen,   Roddy McDowall		   

The back of the LASERBLAST box reads:

Laserblast, starring Roddy McDowell, is a thrilling cat and mouse story with a campy twist.  A teenage hero is up against a secret alien takeover of the world.

The only problem is, who is going to believe that the town's juvenile delinquent is on a mission to save the planet?

It's fast times when Ridgemont High meets Aliens. There's enough action and humor to keep you guessing until the very end.

Okay, I must've missed something, because the above is NOT the movie I saw.   I guess there ARE some similarities between the movie I watched and the one described above, but not many.   Roddy McDowall (name misspelled on the box, which should be an indication) was in the movie, but briefly -- hardly a starring role.   And while there were aliens in the story, comparing it to the Sigourney Weaver vehicle is..., well, delusional at best.   And I don't know WHERE The Fast Times..., reference came in, or (frankly), the promised "humor".  Well, maybe I shouldn't say that, because LASERBLAST IS funny -- I just don't think it is intentionally so.  Come to think of it, I doubt the individual responsible for the above synopsis even SAW this movie!!

That having been said, let's address the movie I did see, shall we?  Our story opens with a humanoid alien, fleeing through the California desert.  You can tell it's an alien, you see, because of the "Trekkie" style clothing and the cylindrical, lucite attachment on his arm (the "laser" of the title -- pay attention now!)  Oh yeah, and the green face.

Anyhow, humanoid alien is being pursued by a pair of unfriendly-looking aliens (think ET's bigger, meaner cousins.)  After the inevitable overtaking and shoot out, humanoid alien is vapourized (and deservedly so -- he was a really BAD shot!) -- all that is left is the laser (which was dropped several feet away, behind some scrub) and a necklace that looks like a handgrenade on a piece of rubber tubing.  The ET-esque aliens converse in an unrecognizable language (sounds like dolphins), and appear to be reaching toward the necklace when a plane flies overhead, frightening them back to thier space ship.  Then they depart, presumably to return from whence they came.

Next we meet poor-little-rich-kid Billy (Kim Milford), who is awaken from his slumber by the noise from the alien spacecraft.  Billy has it bad -- dubbed the town "black sheep", favourite target of the shiftless deputies, son of a self-absorbed, neglectful mother -- hell, even Billy's van is unreliable.  In fact, it would seem the only thing Billy has going for him is his lovely and adoring girlfriend, Kathy (Cheryl Smith).  But even that isn't as wonderful as it could be, because Kathy has an overprotective and slightly-loopy grandfather who tries to keep the two lovebirds apart.  Are you tearing up yet?

But don't shed any tears for poor, pretty Billy, because things begin to look up for him once he finds the forgotten alien laser.   Suddenly mysterious explosions begin to plague Billy's enemies (eventually also overtaking anyone who annoys Billy, and finally just anyone.)   But Kathy begins to become suspicious -- she senses a darkness overtaking her lover.  And then a mysterious FBI agent shows up, displaying an inordinate interest in Billy....,

And if all THAT wasn't enough, the aliens are heading back to earth to retrieve Billy's misbegotten laser!!  Yes, on their homeward journey, the aliens receive a transmission from their leader (identifiable by the the large medallion he/she is wearing -- see how smart I am to figure these things out?)  The leader shows the others images of Billy finding and firing the laser, making it clear their mission is to go back and collect the weapon (I guess the video screen and medallion were cheaper than subtitles.)

Meanwhile, Billy spirals into madness as he falls further under the destructive power of the laser....,

RATING:     

LASERBLAST is pretty bad, in the way of '70's low-budget sci-fi movies.  In fact, it has a distinct, "made for tv" feel; the acting is amateurish, the effects are laughable, and it would be an understatement to call the plot "fuzzy".  One gets the feeling that the filmmakers intended to "connect the dots" (as it were), but in the end had to decide between explanations and a big, randomly violent, shoot-'em-out finale.  Guess which one they chose?

I had a hard time staying awake through LASERBLAST -- it won't be getting any repeat viewings!

None.

SCENES THAT MAKE ME GO "HMMM...,":


1. Billy finds the laser gun when a cola bottle he's discarded is blasted; however, Billy is unable to get the gun to fire until he puts on the "hand grenade" necklace -- clearly the gun requires some contact with the necklace to function.   So how did the laser randomly discharge for Billy to find it?

2. When Kathy meets Billy for a romantic picnic, she skips around, calling his name and looking high and low for him.  She blithely passes by the open doors of the van without even looking inside, and then is "frightened" when Billy leaps from the van??   Talk about a dumb blonde!!

3. The laser is clearly the alien version of the "one ring" (a la the Tolkien trilogy), since Billy transforms into Gollum (complete with green face) when he is using the gun.   And what's with the metal growing in his chest?

4. In the final scene, what happens to the laser gun?   One minute it's there on Billy's arm, the next...., POOF!!    It is not in evidence with the aliens as they are leaving, and yet isn't that what they came back for?  And could the assembled earthlings not see the alien standing on the roof?    Because if they did, they didn't even blink!!

DID YOU KNOW...,:

 -   The heavy metal connection in LASERBLAST is it's star, Kim Milford (Billy).   Kim (who died in 1988 from heart failure) was a singer/guitar player for the rock and roll band Moon.

 -   Kim played the role of "Rocky" in the Broadway and the LA Roxy production of a little play that eventually became another HMH movie -- THE ROCKY HORROR PICTURE SHOW!

 -   Kim, along with his band Moon, did a couple of made-for-television horror movies -- Song of the Succubus, and Rock-A-Die-Baby (aka Night of the Full Moon). Both were titles for ABC's Wild World of Entertainment series, and if anyone knows where I can get a copy of either/both, please let me know!

 -   Kim did a nude layout for the ladies' magazine, Viva, back in the '70's.

 -   Never Say Goodbye is a lovely memorial site to this film's star.  It's worth a visit.

 -   The film's female lead, Kathy, is played by Cheryl Smith; Cheryl is also sometimes credited as "Rainbeaux", and has quite a colorful history.  Unfortunately, Ms Smith has also passed away, but you can learn more about her interesting life at Rainbeaux Smith.

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