ROCK 'N' ROLL NIGHTMARE
1987, Academy Home Entertainment

DIRECTOR: John Fasano   PRODUCER: Jon-Mikl Thor  

STARRING:  Jon-Mikl Thor, Jillian Peri, Frank Dietz, Dave Lane, Teresa Simpson, Adam Fried, Denise Dicandia, Jesse D'Angelo, Rusty Hamilton.		   

Before watching ROCK 'N' ROLL NIGHTMARE, one should be aware of who Jon-Mikl Thor (A/K/A Thor) is.   Thor was an 80's Canadian heavy metal body-builder, former Mr. Canada and rock star, whose stage show included blowing up hot water bottles until they burst, breaking concrete blocks on his (Thor's) chest, and bending metal bars in his mouth.   Really!   It was great fun!    I even have one of his performances on tape to prove it (unfortunately, I never saw him live.) Anyway, due to his extreme persona, for the purposes of this review, Thor will be referred to as Thor!   Pretty damn clever, eh?   Yeah, but unfortunately, I can't claim it, since I saw it somewhere else.   But I think it's brilliant, so I'm nicking it!

ROCK 'N' ROLL NIGHTMARE opens in the scariest location imaginable:   a farm house in Canada!    No, seriously, we find a Canadian family at their morning routine;   Dad is shaving, Sonny is reading a comic, and Mom is cooking breakfast for her men.   Suddenly Mom screams, and Dad rushes downstairs to find the kitchen empty.   "Carol!", Dad cries, reaching for the oven (as if it's the most natural thing in the world, to look for your missing wife in the oven.   Well, maybe in Canada...,)   The oven opens to reveal a charred, demon-skeleton thing.   Dad screams!   Then we see Sonny at the top of the stairs, calling:   "Mom?   Dad?"    Suddenly his eyes open wide in terror, and he screams..., and then the camera is racing through the empty farmhouse.

Next we see a van, driving endlessly through the Canadian countryside while some weird atmospheric music plays.   Finally, the van comes to a stop outside the farmhouse where our nice family met it's untimely end.   Oh, WHO can be arriving at this haunted farmhouse?   Why, it's none other than Jon-Mikl Thor! and his band, Triton.   Anyway, Thor! and company arrive at the farm, where we learn the house has been empty for ten years.   Thor! has chosen this remote location so the band will have peace and quiet whilst they attempt to come up with "10 minutes worth of new material" for their new album.   Luckily the farm has a 24-track recording studio built into the barn, so the band can "lay down some tracks."

In the meantime, we become acquainted with "the gang":   Jon (Thor!) the quiet, unassuming band leader, and his girlfriend Randy;   Roger, the band's bass player and his wife, Mary;   Stig, the band's goofy drummer with an intermittant austrailian accent and his bitch-on-wheels girlfriend, Louanne;   guitarist Max and female keyboard player Dee Dee, who have a secret crush on one another;   and Phil, the band's manager (who has a "thing" for Louanne).

The band settles into thier routine of practicing and having sex with their respective partners (and the women begin an apparently endless cycle of dish washing), unaware that all around them is demonic activity.   Well, most of them are unaware; Thor! in his manly, unassuming way seems uneasy and quietly suspicious.   Wow!   Could this bleached rock and roller be more than he appears?   Hmmm?

Anyway, people slowly start disappearing by ones and twos, but no one seems be be alarmed.   Everyone assumes the missing individuals have "gone into town" (without telling anyone).   Also, at 2:00 AM a carload of "high school girls" (who don't look like any high school girls I've ever seen) claiming to be Triton's fan club appear at the house and are promptly dispatched by demons.   Anyway, eventually everyone is taken by demons except Thor!, and the underworld creatures close in on him.   However, Thor! is writing music and seems blissfully unaware of the hellspawn that are launching themselves at him from all directions.   In fact, Thor! is saved from a dreadful fate when he drops his pen, and the creature that is flying at him misses and knocks himself out on the floor.   Another (incredibly silly-looking) monster is defeated when Thor! unknowingly puts a can of coke down on the monster's finger.

Eventually the demons tire of toying with Thor!, and one of them (in the form of Thor!s girlfriend, Randy) moves in for the kill.   The Randy/demon informs Thor! that no one is coming back because everyone is dead, including her, and then changes form from Randy to a much larger, scarier-looking demon than the others (which isn't a difficult thing.)    Actually, the demon looks fairly alien-like.   Thor! however, is clearly unimpressed, and says:   "I like that look, Randy."

The demon is taken aback, and begins to rage at Thor!, telling him it's going to be "too easy" to kill him (Thor!) and that he doesn't know who he is dealing with.   BUT remember how I said that quiet, unassuming Jon (Thor!) might be more than he appears?   Well, he reveals himself to be just that, as he begins a recitation of the demon's "proper" names, including "Abbadon, Shaitan, Belial and Beelzebub".   Thor! also informs the demon that he (the demon) didn't kill anyone, since they were only shadows that he (Thor!) created out of comic books.  

Then he (Thor!) reveals himself to be even MORE than an intellictual rocker when he becomes the body building, poufy-haired, eyeliner and studded leather thong wearing archangel Triton!!   Apparently Triton and the devil regularly engage in battle for the earth, and here he is to do it again!   And they do!   The devil leads off by hurling four-armed, one eyed starfish at Thor!/Triton, who looks absolutely hilarious pretenting the starfish are sticking to his oiled body by holding them against himself while Thor!'s music blares in the background.

Thor! dispatches the satanic starfish in short order, and begins hand-to-hand combat with the devil monster.   They grapple for a while, and eventually Triton/Thor! gets fed up, his eyes begin to glow, and he grabs the devil by his ankles and pulls him to the ground, thereby winning the battle!   The world is safe -- for now, and the devil promises to return in "another time, another place."   Triton/Thor! looks down and in an extremely sober voice says:   "See you later, Old Scratch!"

RATING:       

This is one of the top three movies in this genre.   It's shamelessly cheap and unselfconsciously silly, a blatant showcase for Thor!'s music in the guise of a "B" movie.   But it's bloody amusing, so long as you aren't looking for anything really scary or meaningful.

The Louanne and Randy characters remove their shirts and Dee Dee bares her butt.   But there is also something for the ladies here, as we get to see Thor!'s naked butt in a shower scene.   Somewhere I saw a (presumably male) reviewer say that seeing Thor!'s naked butt is a bad thing, but I think most females will find it quite nice.

SCENES THAT MAKE ME GO "HMMM...,":


1. When Mom's charred skeleton pops out of the oven, why does it have vampire fangs?

2. Thor! has brought his band to this out-of-the-way haunted farmhouse so they'll have no distractions while practicing.   Okay, so why bring the girlfriends?   Women are the biggest distraction of all to musicians!

3. During practice, the drummer Stig breaks a stick.   The band groans, but nerdy manager Phil comes to the rescue declaring: "I brought a whole box of sticks -- I know I'm dealing with Mad Max!"   Yeah, but:   WHY bring a box (or even a pair) of drum sticks for Max?   He's the guitar player!

4. Thor! is practicing in a neat-o shiny silver jacket thing.   Then Phil disappears, and Thor! slips on a sweater to look for Phil.    Then Thor! enters the basement, and his appearance suddenly changes:   His sweater disappears, his hair gets all poufy, and suddenly he's wearing stage make-up!

5. I guess the budget only allowed for the devil monster to have an upper body and legs, because during the fight scene the camera is careful not to show the monster below the waist and above the knees.   It does, however, show a careful close up of the monster's face, so you can see the nose moves.

DID YOU KNOW...,:

 -   Thor! is still making music?  Yes, indeedy, the man is still blowing up water bottles as entertainment!   To find out what Thor! is up to these days, go to Thor Central.

 -  Director John Fasano also made rock and roll "B" flick BLACK ROSES.

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